Friday, September 23, 2011

streaking mascara means a molded heart.

oh, life. it is blowing me away. the first round of tests was this week, so I have been immersed in the books for the past four days. I still have two tests and an essay due tomorrow, so right now I'm procrastinating even more. but you know how sometimes your brain is just too full of information to add more? and you feel like it will literally explode or forget everything if you add one more thing to it? yeah, I passed that point three days ago.
and now I find myself exhausted. not just mentally, but emotionally.
here's to those days you just get tired of being around people. here's to the times you decide that marriage is a hopeless fantasy and start writing your vows of solitude. here's to the times you look in the mirror and see zits and weight that needs to be lost. here's to the friends that keep pushing you to stop giving yourself a pity party and instead believe in a faithful God. here's to our faithful God who keeps all his promises, even after our death. here's to living life believing that there is more to my life than me.
I find myself in this moment, right now, wanting to sit here in my dorm room, alone on a friday night, and eat a huge bowl of ice cream and bemoan my bad complexion and lack of physical attractiveness and just be depressed. I can feel my heart being tugged another direction, though. I feel Him calling me to living life beyond myself; spending time investing in others, spending time investing in Him, giving my energy to be poured out as a fragrant offering to Him. He begs me to hear me sing back to him a song he sang over me tonight... "Faithful God! Every promise kept, Every need you've met. Faithful God! And all I am, and all I'll ever be is all because You love faithfully. Faithful God!"

'I am restless, I am restless, till I rest in You, till I rest in You oh God.'
Thank you, God. thank you for breaking me of myself and molding me. "Still my heart, hold me close, and let me hear a still small voice. Let it grow, let it rise, into a song, into a cry!" Let me rest in you and your strong embrace of love, grace, and peace. Hold me.

1 comment:

Meg said...

becca i think we live in the same brain. that's all.
i love how honest you are and just post whatever. i absolutely love you. I am so glad the Lord always provides EXACTLY what we need when it's needed.

the loss

CW/TW: pregnancy and miscarriage  Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I’ve thought about how to word this for so long, debat...