rambles of carols, candles, and his smell.

Oh goodness, so much to say tonight! First off, MERRY CHRISTMAS! I hope you're all enjoying time with family and soaking in the knowledge that God loves us so much.
Next on my mental checklist: Christmas carols. has anyone else ever noticed how whack they are?! think about it: "Silent night" I mean geez, the first TWO WORDS of that are incorrect, as I see it. A BABY WAS BORN! Ain't no way that manger scene was quiet, or calm. Then there's "O Come All Ye Faithful"... honestly, this is one of my favorites to sing, it just has such a great melodic line. but the lyrics hit me tonight: "O come, all Ye faithful, joyful, and triumphant." That's great and wonderful and all, and I know everyone else is probably faithful, joyful, and triumphant at Christmastime, but I'm not. I always find it to be the time I'm most slack in my spiritual discipline and that I struggle the most with daily devotionals, as well as doubts/flaws of faith. I guess some of this (especially the doubt) stems from how at Christmastime I'm brazenly reminded of how life is meant to be shared and how I'm alone. I mean, I have family and they are wonderful, but I'm convinced I'm not that only girl that longs to be kissed under the mistletoe or have a flour fight while baking Christmas cookies... all that romance-ey chick-flick stuff. So anyway, that makes me much less than joyful and triumphant, as one could guess. In the case that only the faithful, joyful, and triumphant are allowed to adore Him, I'm in big trouble. Which is why I am throwing the idea out there that maybe possibly some of our Christmas Carols are downright incorrect. Maybe we should just rejoice in the Gospel at Christmastime instead of those overplayed Christmas carols.
Next let me start with a brief story from my evening. Tonight was our "Carols by Candlelight" service at church, and it was really fun. I love music, and Christmas, and candles; therefore, I loved it. So after the service, I see one of my best friends, and run over to hug her... and her brother is there. And I have this history with him, you see.
I was so in-like with him for a really long part of middle school/high school (over 3 years), and somewhere in the midst of my liking him and praying my heart out for him in his "rebel" phases, I began to love him. And when I liked him, I assumed that love I found was to be romantic and whatnot; I thought I was IN love with him. I dunno, I've never been in love before, so maybe I was. But the truth is that now, I realize he's the first guy outside of my family that I've learned to love.
So tonight when he hugged me, things stirred up inside. I realized that I really do LOVE him, but not the romantic kind, the unconditional kind. As far as I know, he has no clue that I "loved" him for so long, so he doesn't know that the simple fact that he hugged me- a real hug, the kind that conveys gratitude and friendship- and it made me smell like him, brought back lots of memories and made me realize how much has changed.
Back in 11th grade, it would've been the highlight of my day, week,...maybe even month. But today, it just cemented the fact that I am changed and that loving him doesn't mean I want to marry him, it means I want to see him succeed and fall in love and have a wonderful little family that doesn't include me. I just wanted to hold him in that hug and tell him how proud I am of the man he's become. I wanted to sit him down and pour my heart out to him and hear his heart. I suppose that just means I've moved on with life and learned how to love without being "in-love" and how to have mature friendships that can be clear of awkward relationship stuff. And I really like that.
But it also re-awakened that want of a relationship again. I never had a relationship with him, but I had a relationship after him and it was a good one. It made me grow and change and be challenged... and along with that came the warmth of being cherished and wanted and thought of as beautiful. And not that I'm not growing and changing and being challenged now...
Agh, I don't know what I'm saying. I just want a relationship, or at least the possibility of one (which is nonexistent now). Tonight when Brandon hugged me and I continued to smell like him for two or three more hours was nice, not because I liked smelling like HIM but because I liked having that lingering reminder that a guy cared about me.
As I look at that, it makes me wonder if these hopes and cares are reasonable, and proper. Am I wanting this as me, the fleshly me, or as me, the human me?
Basically, I'm overanalyzing (as per usual me). and I must stop.


Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!