Whatever He's doing...

The main problem I have with summer is that there's too much time. Granted, it's very welcome for the first 5-8 days after school gets out and I can sleep as much as I want.
Then, I realize how infrequently I'm seeking Christ and loving others and doing profitable things. Most summers, I spend my time working, reading, and watching LOTS of Netflix and Hulu. It's quite embarrassing.
I'm one of those odd people who works best under pressure and needs to have a lot to do in order to be motivated in the least bit. Summer doesn't exactly foster a great atmosphere for me getting stuff done, in that case. I was/am hoping this summer would be different from the last two, since I was at home and working at X-Cel for those, and this one I will be spending in Clinton. I've got summer school to keep me a little bit more motivated, but let's be real: these two non-music classes I'm taking are ridiculously easy. So really the only "hard" part of summer school is the piano & voice lessons part, which only requires patience and much practice. Bearable.
I'm still working at the gym, though it's only one day a week, and will be spending every Sunday in Vicksburg as I work with a church preschool department. This basically means my Sundays and Mondays are extremely busy, and the others days are freckled with beckoning of homework, practice time, people to invest in, and general life-ey things.
That's way too much free time.
I've tried to spend it wisely so far, and I'll give myself a C+ on that work. I have spent a lot of time with friends, talking about life and Jesus and crazy things He's doing- which I treasure and don't regret a microsecond of. I've been reading more, of which I am also glad. But A LOT of time has been spent on facebook, twitter, instagram, netflix, hulu, pinterest, etc. Little time has been spent practicing and studying and doing what I'm staying in town for (SUMMER SCHOOL.)
All of this free time is spent not only sleeping too much and being a couch potato, but most of my waking hours involve over-thinking everything.
My voice teacher told me to practice more so she must be disappointed in me and hate me and think I'm an awful person.
My piano teacher made me play this piece with hands separately, he probably thinks I'm awful at piano and wonders why I'm a music major and just hasn't said anything to me.
A friend said she didn't want to hang out today, I bet she thinks I'm being annoying.
And so on. It mostly just gets worse from there.

I'm telling you, I'm possibly the worst over-thinker in the world.

Sometimes, though, it produces good things.
The other day I was at work and no one showed up for the class, so I had about 20 minutes before I needed to be back. My coworkers invited me to go grab something to drink with them, and I politely and awkwardly declined and headed to the local nature center. I walked out a path to the butterfly garden and sat on a sunny bench and just listened to the world around me, for once. The dragonflies buzzed about hurriedly and set a nice little percussion-ey background for the songs of the birds and whispers of the trees and rustling of the grass. It was all quite poetic a scene, and brought an insanely pensive mood to my heart. So, I sat there and pondered.
How little I know my coworkers. How awkward I feel around them. How awkward I feel around my teachers. How little I know them. How little I know my classmates. How little I know my friends...
And suddenly it's like the thoughts had grown into full-bodied people, and were now inches away from my face saying "You spend your time so selfishly that you invest very little in others and therefore know nothing about them."
It hurt my heart to realize this, and I can only assume that must have been God, because I wasn't hurt that they hadn't taken time to be my friend and share their heart with me, but I was hurt because I suddenly realized all the time I'd spent with them was just pure selfishness. I had done it because I wanted to feel good or look good to them or tell them something "important". It was never because I wanted to know their heart or learn to love them humbly and truthfully.

It hurt my heart to see the hours I could've spent comforting and serving and encouraging had been wasted.

So, since that over-analyzation Tuesday, I've been thinking and praying about ways I can be more intentional and invested in those around me- whether I call them "friend" yet or not. They are all worthy of love and fellowship and friendship and deserve more than the apathetic listening-to-answer time I give them.
I've already had genuine FRIEND time with three people since then, and have made plans with four more for over the next four days. I'm discovering I like life a lot better when it isn't focused on me. It's so much more enjoyable and bearable when I'm not constantly worrying about MY looks or MY words or what people think about ME. This is not to say it's easy. It's humbling, and huge blow to my pride, and has required some apologies already. But already I am freer and more content with life (I guess Jesus knew what He was talking about when he instructed me to throw off my burdens and take up his yoke. It really is light. {Matt. 11:28-30})
I like the chaos that His will is comprised of. It truly is something unlike earthly chaos, because there's a peace within it. Sure, it's scary not knowing what He's doing with my life. But I know who He is and the great ways He works, and THAT I look foward to.

"It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...

To Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out"