beachy thoughts

Normal people on the beach: ahhh, yes. Sand & sun & surf! Yay swimsuits, saltwater, and sweaty-sunscreeny-ness. Let's stay here forever.
Me on the beach: Um, tank top & shorts, anyone? Okay cool, I walked in the sand and let the water tickle my toes. Back to the room to read and blog please.

But really.
For as long as I can remember, and I'm pretty sure FOREVER, our family has not been the beach kind of family. We're mountains people. In fact, for most of my elementary/middle school/high school years, we simply didn't go to the beach on vacation. Occasionally Dad would have to come down for a business trip over a few days and we'd join him, but we mostly thought it was awesome because of continental breakfasts and lazy rivers in the swanky hotels his employers booked.
Our "real" family vacations consisted of mountains and waterfalls and tubing down snake-infested rivers (okay, maybe not snake-infested, but water moccasins are in basically every river I think). Think tent camping (occasionally log cabins instead, if we were feeling particularly un-adventurous), grilling over a fire pit, visiting historical landmarks and nature centers, hunting down animal prints, and learning about the local plant life. We were basically our own little 4-H unit or boy scout troop.
Needless to say, as I got older and started going on youth camps to the beach and hitting up weekend beach getaways with college friends, I felt less than attached to the ways of the beach- cause let's face it, there is a totally different way of life required at the beach- and liked it occasionally but wasn't crazy about it.
Obviously still true. We're here, at a beautiful beach in a nice family-oriented town on a gorgeous sunny-yet-breezy day, and I'm sitting on the shady porch of our hotel room blogging. And really not missing out on anything.
I think I dislike the beach because it makes me feel shallow. Sure, it's beautiful, and I still marvel at how God made the ocean and controls the tides and all that- it's really awesome. But the beach is about one thing: swimsuits. Whether you're actually in the ocean playing around or skimboarding or laying out or playing volleyball, you're wearing a swimsuit. I mean geez, most people wear swimsuits 24/7 around here. That, plus the fact that I HATE SWIMSUITS, equals bad.
I'm constantly thinking about how I look- how pale I am, how huge my thunder thighs are, how my tummy pooches, how I'll never look good in a bikini so instead I hide behind my very modest tankini... The beach makes me constantly think about ME and how *I* look and what people are probably thinking when they see ME. Sure, I could probably guard against it, but it's pretty natural I think. When I'm not being careful to keep my mind off of earthly things and focused on the eternal, I naturally lapse into the shallow-minded ways that are so much more prominent for me at the beach.
I don't mean to blame it all on other things- the real issue here is that I am sinful and my mind is hard to control. I guess I'm saying all this to point out how quickly my mind progresses from "my skin is pale" to "I'm pasty white" to "I'm so ugly" to "how do I even have friends?" to "no one will ever love me" to a gigantic pity party. It seriously takes about .835 seconds.
The one thing I find to be my fortress in the midst of this is His name. Sometimes, my mind is so caught up in all the grossness that I can't even pull myself out of it enough to transition my thoughts, and all I can think is "Jesus, help me." I still don't understand it, but there's something about his name that changes things. It floods my fluttery, worried heart with an odd sense of security and confidence.
Cause let's be real- how many of those super-tan, super-attractive-in-a-swimsuit people have what I have? It's sad that they don't have it, but knowing that I have a relationship with THE GOD makes up for all that.
This morning, I keep thinking about that Superchick song (the one that EVERYONE knows)- One Girl Revolution.
"If all you see is how I look, you miss the superchick within, and I christen you 'Titanic'- underestimate and swim.
I'll be everything that I want to be. I am confidence in insecurity. I am the voice yet waiting to be heard. I'll shoot the shot (BANG!) that you hear 'round the world, cause I'm a one-girl revolution."
It sounds kinda crazy, the "confidence in insecurity" part, but I think it means 2 things: finding confidence in the fact that you are insecure sometimes and are okay with it, and confidence in the midst of insecurity because of His love. I love the idea of both of these things, because it means that somewhere within me there lies the ability for me to be confident. That's nice to know, and somehow (eerily) boosts my confidence.

All that may not have made sense (it usually seems not to). I apologize for that, and how many parenthetical remarks I made in this post (I really love my parentheses!). I guess my only summational comment is this: through it all, He is here. that's the Glory of It All.