you've made me as gold purified through these flames.

...so, somehow, amazingly, God has brought beauty from this messy disaster that I caused. a week or 2 (or 3 or 4) ago, I would've said that this was one of God's trials... and I guess in a way it was, but it might not have had to happen if I'd been walking closely with Him.
yesterday, I was reading my bible & devotional book (My Utmost for His Highest- I HIGHLY recommend this book!), and the devo for the day was about being Jesus' friend. It said that the only way we can know that we're really Jesus' friend, is when we're able to lay down our life (figuratively [in this case], or literally) for Him. and i realized- I've always said I would give my life for any of my friends. because I would. If I had to die to take one of their places, I would be FINE with that. but when I have to give my friends, who ARE my life, up for Him... I wouldn't. I couldn't be his true friend, because I wouldn't give my friends (AKA- my life) up for him {Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. (John 15:13)}.
anyway, so yesterday I made up my mind and said, "No matter what, God, you're first place from here on out. I refuse to put anyone or anything before you any more. Please calm my troubled heart and bring your peace that passes my understanding into my life. "
and He did.
cuz he always does.