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last night I experienced the worst feeling ever. 
ok, probably not REALLY the worst feeling ever. but it was pretty horrible. 
see, this whole weekend was consumed with my cousin's wedding and the details of getting everyone there, carting my mee-maw around, and taking care of my cousin's (not the one getting married) kiddos while their parents were busy. so it was probably the weirdest wedding ever to me. plus, that side of the family is just off-kelter. they all practically hate each other and pretend everything is ok all the time when it isn't (praise the Lord my mom turned out differently). plus, there was a lot of alcohol floating around at the reception, which equals more uncomfortability (and a headache from the stench). so if you combine all that awkwardness with my general disliking of weddings, you end up with Becca in a bad mood. 
so there was that, then I got home and relaxed with the family, watched movies and such, which made things better. but having missed out on my home church service because we were traveling back home, my day was just OFF. I finally just went to bed... and of course it WOULD be that one night where you just can't get to sleep. so, like any logical college student, I opted to stay up and watch a movie on netflix. I picked an old-ish Natalie Portman movie called "Anywhere but Here"- and I do NOT recommend it. It was just the weirdest movie, and this poor girl was dragged all over the country by her capricious, love-seeking mother, who was a TERRIBLE mother. not only did her mom continually mistreat her, but she also had no friends in her new home (after her mom moved them across the country), her best friend died, and her mom spent money she didn't have time after time. it just irritated me, and made me angry, and made me want to cry. 
so on top of all my negative feelings toward the wedding weekend, I watched a terrible movie that put me in a nasty mood. and to top it off, I hadn't read my bible in about three days because of all the wedding.
I'm not sure why all of this matters. in fact, it really doesn't. I suppose it's mostly just that this terrible feeling is still lingering. and I don't like it, and I'm unsure of how to rid myself of it. 
well, actually, I'm sure of how to rid myself of it: spend time really alone with God. but you know that guilt you feel when you haven't had a quiet time in a few days, and for some reason you hesitate to set that time aside once again? maybe no one else does that, maybe it's a Becca-ism. but I have that feeling and I've realized that I've tried everything to rid myself of the feeling: reading, watching movies, hot tea, chocolate, America's Next Top Model marathon. it does nothing, and I know exactly why and I know exactly how to change that. but for some reason I can't muster up the courage to actually crawl back.


God, give me courage to come back to you. I know I haven't really gone that far... but I also know that walking away from you doesn't happen suddenly, it happens inches at a time, and I don't want to walk away from you. 


find me here, and speak to me.
 I want to feel you, I need to hear you. 
You are the light that's leading me to the place where I find peace again. 
You are the strength that keeps me walking, 
You are the hope that keeps me trusting. 
You are the light to my soul. 
You are my purpose, you're everything...
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you? 
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?... 
Cause You're all I want. You're all I need. 
You're everything, everything.