maybe just possibly

So I went to see the new Robin Hood movie a little while back. I was expecting much less than what I found.

((spoiler warning))

for some reason, the movie left me so hopeful, yet I felt so fulfilled. It was like the first half of the movie had whetted my appetite, and the second half gave me a house salad, filet mignon and baked potato, finished with a big slice of strawberry cheesecake and smooth coffee. I'm not kidding.

Robin Hood is in the army of King Richard the Lion-Hearted and on his way back to England after 10 years in the Crusades when the movie opens. Within the first 20 minutes, King Richard is killed, and Robin Hood and his posse break away from the rest of the army because they feel the Crusades are unfair and not an acceptable sacrifice to God. anyway...

long story short, Robin Hood is married to a woman against her will. They fall in love. It's not one of those mushy gushy steamy love scene "love"s though. He just.... falls in love with her. and vice versa. Throughout the movie, there are threads of those little things that lead you to want them to be together. and finally, as Robin leaves Nottingham for the first big battle, he kisses Marian. then he looks her dead in the eye and says, "I love you Marian." and rides off... and at first my heart started saying WHAT?! HE DOESN'T EVEN PROMISE HER HE'LL COME BACK OR ANYTHING?? and then it hit me... Love is a promise. saying "I love you" is equivalent to saying "I promise I'll come back if I'm still alive. I'll fight as hard as I can to make it back for you. I'll come to your rescue. I'll be by your side as long as I can and you're the only one that I would die for." He didn't have to say anything besides "I love you". that was all that she needed to know.

At the very final battle, Robin forms an army of those beaten down and manipulated by the greedy, self-centered King John (who was Richard's brother that took his place when he died). They charge the bad guys, bravely battling and flinging their swords at every assailant. Marian comes romping into battle, bringing reinforcements... and gets snatched from her horse and nearly drowns.

Just when everything looks hopeless and you think Marian is about to die, in gallops Robin. he kills the bad guys... or at least all the ones that are brave enough to come near. He saves Marian. everything isn't completely solved. there are still problems on the horizon.... nothing is perfect. but it's real.

He loves her. He saved her. He fights for what he knows is right. He didn't give up.

it made me both thankful and hopeful.

thankful, that I know people like that- especially guys. I mean, it's all great that girls can stand up for what they know is right... but it's so refreshing in the world today when guys do that. It made me thankful for my guy friends that are so genuinely manly (not to sound weird or anything). and thankful that TeenPact is training young men to follow God and not give up on fighting for integrity.

and hopeful for meeting one... my own personal Robin Hood. as hopelessly (or hopefully?) romantic as that is. it made me hopeful that maybe just possibly there are more real-life Robin Hoods than I know. and that maybe just possibly one of them could be the one to say "I love you." and not have to say anything else.

maybe just possibly.

a heart of change, a change of heart.

WOW.

you know, they always say that when you ask God to move, you better stand back.

and I knew it was true, because I'd seen it in other people's lives. I'd even seen it in my own life, in a small scale.

but for once, I got my guts up and said... ok, God. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm doubting you. how can it possibly be that you have a good future planned for me? that you could ever take care of the mess I continually make of myself? that you could lead me so far down the path of your will that I eventually find a man that loves me and wants to marry me? I find that impossible. I find it impossible that you could perfectly plan out my future.

how horrible is that? but I figured, hey, he knows my heart anyway. I might as well just admit what's in there. my doubt was holding me back from so much, and I could tell. I was getting sick of letting my overwhelmed-ness take control of my thoughts.

so I told him to move.

I had nothing to lose, I said... here I am. I'm nothing, I'm empty, and I don't see how you can use me at all. but I want you to. I want you to change me. to transform me. to do something with this monotonous life that no one would believe.

and he did.

he is.

I'm a work in progress, I can promise you that.

he revealed himself to me. and he continues to do so, every morning that he wakes me up and says: "You're living for a purpose today, writing your legacy one jot at a time. Follow me."

I can't really explain away what happened...

but I opened my heart...

no, I take that back. it was nothing of my own doing. he opened my heart. he poured himself in.

he broke me.

I know now, he'll never let go of me.

he has every moment of my life in his hands.

and this is the safest I've ever felt.

lyrics that describe my life currently.

I really liked it when I did this last time... so here we go again...

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I'm feeling doubt I'm losing faith, But giving up would cost me everything. So I'll stand in the pain and silence, And I'll speak to the dark night: I believe in the sun even when it's not shining. I believe in love even when I don't feel it. And I believe in God even when He is silent. And I, I believe. Though I can't see my stories ending, That doesn't mean the dark night has no end. It's only here that I find faith and learn to trust the one who writes my days.

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Your blood speaks a better word than all the empty claims I've heard upon this earth. Speaks righteousness for me, stands in my defense- Jesus, it's your blood. Your blood. Jesus' blood never fails me. Jesus' blood never fails me. Jesus' blood! Jesus' blood!

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If you say go, we will go. If you say wait, we will wait. If you say step out on the water, and they say it can't be done, we'll fix our eyes on you and we will come!

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I don't know how it is you looked at me and saw the person that I could be- awakening my heart, breaking through the dark, suddenly your grace... like sunlight burning at midnight, making my life something so beautiful, beautiful. mercy, reaching to save me, all that I need, you are so beautiful, beautiful.

the way to begin

"...I've reached the end, and You are the way to begin..."

was my cry to God last night. it felt like the end of all things. graduation. pomp and circumstance. cap and gown. cliche cards, money out the wazoo, and CONGRATULATIONS! they all made graduation feel so... routine? so ordinary instead of extraordinary. nothing special... just what was expected.

it doesn't feel any different. I mean, it was great and all celebrating it and getting my diploma. but it didn't feel like the ahmazing supertastical celebration I though it would be. it was just expected that I would graduate. duhhh.

so anyway. it was kind of depressing, how soon it all ended and how fast I've grown up. I had to turn that over to God... because if I'd held on to that, there is no telling how long I would stay caught in "the end". but, like a girl said in her speech at the graduation, don't miss now.

I don't want to miss each moment, savor the flavors, and take in the colors. I've reached the end, there is nowhere else to turn. it's time to begin again.

here we go.

paul=wow.

I've been reading through the Bible this year, and am currently flying through all of Paul's letters to the churches, Timothy, and Titus. Tonight I started Titus, and for the umpteenth time in the past 3 weeks or so, I was utterly blown away by how amazing Paul was. I want to meet that man so badly. He was such a thinker, sometimes I have to re-read his writings sooo many times to comprehend what he's said. but check this out, I find it to be so true!

Titus 1:15-16 "To the pure, all things are pure, but to those who are corrupted and do not believe, nothing is pure. In fact, both their minds and consciences are corrupted. They claim to know God but by their actions they deny him. They are detestable, disobedient and unfit for doing anything good."

HOW CONVICTING.

If I find myself thinking impure or perverted thoughts, or seeing those things as funny, the passage in Ephesians 5 often pops into my head. There, Paul urges us to walk as children of the light and have no part of darkness in us. and now this! wow. If I am finding ANYTHING AT ALL in my life to be impure, corrupted, or twisted- THAT MEANS I AM IMPURE, CORRUPT AND TWISTED. just goes to show that our heart really is deceitful above all else! (Jeremiah 17:9).

Oh, God, help me to lift you up with my actions, attitudes, thoughts, and words. I don't want to deny you in any way! I want to be fit to do good and bring glory to you. So purify my heart, that I may become like you.

second chances.

sometimes the past just won't leave me alone. seems like I finally get past something, or am able to move past memories with someone... only to suddenly have it spring back into my life. why does this always seem to happen to me? something happens that pulls me away from someone. and just when I finally adjust to it, they come back. and why does it seem like they're always better when the second time comes back around? more friendly, or kinder, or cuter, or easier to talk to. why does this happen? with guys, with friends... always happens. uggghhhh. I don't like it a whole lot. with friends, sometimes it's ok. with guys? never good.

it always just seems to make life more complicated. like life is easy to begin with and I NEED more complication? negatory.

and then I'm caught in this, do-I-try-to-let-them-back-in-or-do-I-ignore-the-attempt scenario. which is never easy to decipher. EVER. I hate making those decisions (of course I hate almost any decision-making, but...), they're the worst.

bahahaha... I just realized what a pessimist I'm being. and I feel kinda bad... but blogging is my emotion release and well, this is the most present emotion right now.

so the sum of all this is:

do I give them a second chance or not? is this worth it? or will I get walked out on again?