warning: this blog contains raw honesty.
1- you know that grabby, tight feeling you get in the pit of your stomach? like in the chick flick when they finally kiss? or when some guy does something really sweet and you just really want him to like you? yes... my stomach has been containing a lot of that lately. which is really weird, mostly because A) I haven't been watching a lot of chick flicks and B) I don't even like anyone legitimately.... well, let me rephrase that. I don't REALLY like anyone. eh, that's not much better. it's hard to word, but the root of it is I'm just ready to have a boyfriend again (which probably means I'm really NOT ready for it, since I'm so sure of myself). I just want to like someone and be liked and for the world to be rosy and romantic.
BUT... tonight in choir practice we were singing this song, Sold Out. the bridge says, "My heart is fixed, my mind's made up. No room, no vacancies, I'm all filled up. His Spirit lives in me and that's the reason I'm sold out." and as I sang, and worshipped Him for fixing and filling my heart, I realized... my heart *IS* full. there is no more room for affection of anyone else, other than Christ. and I love it that way, I don't want to change it.
2- so basically it comes to this: I don't know what I want. the number one secret of the females of the human race. I never know what I want! I guess that makes it that much better that God gives me the desires of my heart... He gives me desires FOR my heart, then fulfills them. how awesome is that?
I know my writing is ramble-some tonight... but it seems I'm falling back in love with my First Love. how wonderful that is.
"and like a child, I will dance in Your presence! O, let the joy of Heaven pour down on me. I still remember the first day I met You, and I don't even wanna lose that fire, my First Love!"
"It's more like falling in love than something to believe in. More like losing my heart than giving my allegiance. Caught up, called out, come take a look at me now. It's like I'm falling in love."