beauty questioned.

Imagine this: you're sitting on the couch, watching a chick flick. or the bachelor. or say yes to the dress. Then comes the climax... he chases her down and kisses her... he gives her the rose... she buys the wedding dress... what is it about that climax that hits so close to home? why is it that we see these images and wish for these moments? why do we wish for the beauty that we feel we don't have? and why do we think we don't have it?
I have this need to feel beautiful stored somewhere deep inside me. I think I was born with it. This need to feel worthy, loved, beautiful, and wanted. where did it come from? why do I have it? what am I supposed to do with it?
because apparently, it can be handled the wrong way. some girls take their need for beauty and go all bad girl. some girls ignore their need for beauty and pretend they could care less. what is the appropriate way to deal with your yearning for love?
I wish I had the answer to these questions. but I don't.
what do you think?

only trust Him

wow. I don't think I can even begin to describe what life has been like lately. God is working so much, and yet he somehow seems far away. Not like.... nonexistent. or even distant. just... quiet, maybe? yes. quiet. it's strange, and it kind of scares me. but at the same time I'm loving life so much, for the first time in so long, that I realize that no matter what's coming, I can make it. look at how far I've come, how far He's brought me! although I may not want to, I do believe I could make it through anything, with Him. (but I'm not sure if I should say that. it's almost like opening myself up for disaster and testing. haha)

anyway. life feels so extremely different now, than it did months ago, or even weeks ago. I'm not even entirely sure if I can pinpoint exactly what's different. it just IS.

it scares me to think how much I may change in the next year. it's exciting but at the same time petrifying.

I suppose all I can do is trust him to get me through and take care of me.

here we go.

sometimes the past needs to be let out to die.

thought I could deal with the pain

was convinced I could end just as strong

knew that I'd handle the hurt

but, oh boy... I see I was wrong.

I thought you were in deeper than I

I thought you were the one who'd be crushed

and it turns out that life seems to stop

and the air leaves your lungs with a rush.

why did I have to say it?

why did you never care?

why couldn't you man up and leave me,

when you knew that time was up for this pair?

and now here I am,

crying in my bed.

wishing I could run away

to escape all the thoughts in my head.

I wish you'd meant the words you said

I wish I knew they were true

so I wouldn't be sitting here

thinking of life without you.

{written November 2009}

overanalyzation

I have no clue how to get my feelings into words. It's not like anyone reads this anyway so I suppose it doesn't matter. But I still need to get them out so I can hopefully begin to understand them. Yet I don't see how I can understand these feelings... cuz I don't understand much of anything right now. I don't understand why some people react so differently to things than I. I mean, I know we're different. But their responses are such polar opposites of mine.

Sometimes I wish that they could react they way I expect them to, or the way I would. other times I wish I could react the way they do. I guess it just comes straight down to the fact that I'm a perfectionist. I want everything to work out the way I want it to when I want it to. I know what I want, what I expect, and I presume those expectations on myself and others.

Ugh. I hate it when I overanalyze.

We had a good year, now let's have another.

"Take it all down, Christmas is over, Do not despair but rather be glad. We had a good year, now let's have another, remembering all the good times that we had. Oh, no more lights glistening, no more carols to sing, But Christmas, it makes way for spring. The hearts of men are bitter and weathered, as cold as snow that falls from above. But just for one day, we all came together, we showed the whole world that we know how to love. " -Boxing Day, Relient K

January 1st, 2010.
Think of all the blank pages ahead of us. All the amazing memories, and even painful ones. They grow us, help us learn. We may not invite them, or like them when they are happening...but after it's all over, I, for one, am thankful for those times.
Here we come, 2010. Are you ready for this? I know I'm not.
I am honestly scared to death. There is too much that's happened and not resolved itself lately that is carrying over into this year. Yet as much as I wish it weren't, it is. And I will make it. Through the blood of the Lamb, I will overcome. We can do this, with Him.

love unawakened

{{the love unawaked blog is: www.jenniferandkathryn.blogspot.com}}

"A couple weeks ago, Kat asked me to write about my experience of having a pure relationship, to share it with all yall that read Love Unawakened. I'm gonna be honest, I'm not the greatest writer, and not the most amazing person. But I believe that God has worked in my life so much, not only for my sake, but so I can share his great deeds with others! Back in March, I re-met a guy I'd known from a couple years back.. We eventually found each other on facebook and started talking. To make a long story short, he asked me out 3 months later. He was very sweet and gentlemanly, complimented me a lot, and I started thinking that he was "the one". Now, I'd made a purity pledge back in middle school and was sticking to it. The thing was, he lived about an hour or so away from me, so we didn't get to see each other face-to-face that often. Needless to say, the temptations to risk purity in our relationship were almost nonexistent because we rarely saw each other, so that ended up being a good thing. He told me that he thought I was the girl that God wanted him to marry, and many other sweet things along those lines. And I ate up every single word he said. After having been his girlfriend for about 4 months, we went to the movies one day. It was our first "date" without other friends with us, but our moms were still there (mostly because our families barely knew each other). We got in there, and were able to sit by ourselves up in the top of the theater. And here is where I want to point something out to you- it IS possible to be dating, and go to the movies together and not be putting your virginity on the line. I know you hear that you shouldn't sit in a dark movie theater alone with your boyfriend, and I agree with that. Too many things can happen. But I also think a lot of times, you can choose what you will and won't do. And there is NOTHING whatsoever that can make you give in to temptation. You can say no. It will be hard... but you can. That day in the movies, he held my hand for the first time. He is the only guy I have ever held hands with, besides my family. And that was the only time we held hands. I loved it... but after we broke up, that was the one part that kept playing itself over and over in my head. I can't imagine how hard it is for those who kiss each other, or go all the way, to get over their "other half" after breaking up. Knowing how hard it was for me to move past simply holding hands with a young man makes me realize just how precious those physical intimacies are, and how imperative it is to save that for your future spouse! Please don't get me wrong.... I'm not condemning those who have gone farther than I have, or saying that it's wrong to kiss your boyfriend. I believe God gives each of us certain boundaries that we shouldn't cross, and that sex should be saved by all until marriage. But I want to encourage you to save those special moments for whoever you get married to. Each time you let one of those out, you're awakening a little more love. Just like Song of Solomon 8:4 says, “Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” Remember that God did create us to love that closeness we share with other people, but that there are certain lines that shouldn’t be crossed. If you haven’t done so yet, I strongly urge each of you to sit down and make a list of your convictions- basically what you will and won’t do. It may include “I won’t have sex until I get married”, “I won’t listen to suggestive music” or “I will pray daily for my future spouse and his/her purity”. Let God lead you to what He knows is best for you. He has a wonderful plan for you that he longs to see unfold, if you’ll just follow Him!"